The slightly plotless story
by Ice Is Cold
Summary: Chapter 4 is up! What happens when Aragorn is in charge of Grooming, Legolas is in charge of cooking and Sam is in charge of defence? Find out right here! This will get drama-ery so hang in there.
1. Jobs For All

Elrond surveyed the group with sincereness (which should be a word, even if it's not). 'Now, you all have decided to take the ring, correct?'

'Yeah, pretty much.'

Elrond pulled out a book and started to read. 'It says hear in "An Idiots Guide To Perilous Quest" that to be successful in a quest, you need to have assigned jobs, so I've taken the liberty to make sure there are jobs for everyone.' He pulled out a hat. 'Now, have you all got you paper?'

The company pulled out little scraps of paper and pens.

Elrond smiled at them. 'Good. Now, I want you to write down a job that you feel is necessary on a quest. Then, you can put them in this hat and everyone pulls out a bit of paper. The job you get will be yours on the quest.'

The company exchanged looks, and then gave in.

Elrond smiled at them. 'Good. Now I want you to pick out a job each.'

Frodo got first pick. 'Let's see… WHAT! I'M IN CHARGE OF STALKING MYSELF!'

Boromir looked a little sheepish. 'Yeah, I thought that you would need good for nothing swine on any quest… sorry, I kind of thought I'd get it.'

'No trades, Frodo. You'll just have to improvise.'

'But, but, but, but, Elrond…'

'Sorry.'

The hat came to Sam, who read out the word on his bit of paper. 'Defence… ALRIGHT! Don't worry Mr. Frodo! Sam will look after you!'

Frodo looked at Sam, then at Elrond. 'Are you telling me, that _Sam_ is going to be protecting me from me!'

'Looks like it.'

'At least you didn't get shelter.' Said Pippin. His voice wobbled. 'How the hell am I supposed to make a shelter for people 6 feet tall, when I'm only 3 foot 5?'

'Knowing you,' said Merry, 'you'll do it. Now, I'm in charge of… cleaning? Cleaning what? The grass?'

Sam slightly embarrassed. 'Well, I thought, I mean, just in case… you never know when something needs to be cleaned… do you?'

Gimli rolled his eyes. 'Whatever, laddie.' He reached in and pulled out a scrunched up bit of paper. 'Elrond, you want this quest done, don't you?'

Elrond looked at him quizzically. 'Yeeees…'

'Well then don't make me bloody track! I can't do it! Give it to Aragorn or something!'

'Sorry, dwarf. No can do. You keep your job.'

So the hat was passed onto Legolas, who looked like he was about to wet himself with anticipation.

Gimli gave him a funny look as he passed him the hat. 'For god's sake, man, it's just a job!'

Legolas looked at him in horror. 'Just a job? These jobs could affect our entire lifestyle!' But his frown was replaced with a happy grin as he read his job.

'Cooking! YAY! You guys haven't lived till you've tasted my SPC spagettios! You'll love them! Lucky I brought 64 cans with me! Oh, oh! And my alphabet soup is the best! Once you've eaten 3 or so bowls you get used to the fishy taste! This is going to be fun!'

The company is looking at Legolas in shock. Sam actually went white.

Boromir tried to break the silence. 'Well, c'mon Legolas, pass us the hat. Let's see… WHAT THE F….! Counseling? No wa… actually, this could work out pretty good…' an evil grin crept up his face.

Gandalf put his hand into the hat. 'Alrighty, my job is… a bodyguard. Wait… Pippin's bodyguard? Whose crapy idea was this?'

Pippin put up his hand. 'Yeah, well, just bodyguard in general, but me especially.'

'B-E-A-utiful.'

Aragorn reached inside the hat. 'Oh, Gandalf, quit your complaining. At least now we all have purpo…' Aragorn stopped, and stared at the pink piece of paper, his eyes growing wider, and wider by the second. Then a smile began to creep along his face.

'Grooming.'

Thud.

Aragorn looked over at the unconscious elf. 'This _is_ going to be fun. Very fun indeed!'


	2. First Timers

Gandalf: Pippen's bodyguard

Frodo: Stalker

Aragorn: Grooming

Legolas: Chef

Sam: Defense

Boromir: Counseling

Merry: Cleaning

Pippin: Shelter

Gimli: Tracking

So, we now see the fellowship just outside Rivendell, where they have decided to set up camp for the night. Despite complaints the day before, the whole fellowship is keen to show they have what it takes to, umm, have the job. Aragorn, especially, is ready to show off his new found… err… power.

"Oooohhhh, Leeg-olaas!"

Legolas came creeping out from his hiding spot. "Yeeess…?"

"Well, seeing as I do hold the position of making sure everyone is looking quest material… pulls out scissors"

Legolas fell back in shock. "Aragorn…" he said desperately. "You _really_ don't want to do that… scissors are very dangerous… if you're not careful, they could accidentally cut something shiny and smooth…"

Aragorn looked at Legolas with an evil grimace. "And blonde?"

"Exactly."

Aragorn snip the scissors. "I know!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Aragorn began to chase Legolas around the camp laughing like a maniac. Sam looked over at them. "Idiots. We're never going to get any food around here… now, Mr. Frodo…" Frodo stopped his 'chasing-his-own-ass' routine that had been going on since they left.

"Yes? Is it really important?"

Sam pulled out a sword. "Now, Mr. Frodo! I don't want to do this, but you are putting Mr. Frodo's life in danger, if you don't stop then god help me, I will ram this sword down your throat!"

Frodo looked at Sam in a pleading kind of way. "But, but, but, but, Sa-a-a-a-a-m… it's my job!"

"Well, my job is to protect you from all danger, even yourself if that be the case." With that, Sam walked off. Frodo shrugged and started chasing himself again.

Boromir crept closer to Frodo. "So, Mr. Baggings… what have you been up to lately?"

"Well, I've just spent the last 2 hours chasing my ass."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"Well, it's kinda depressing…"

"And how do you feel about that?"

"Well, depressed I guess. And dizzy. And angry at you for giving me this job."

"Why would you say that?"

"Well, it's not very easy, you know, trying to stalk your self. I'd be better off stalking Gimli or Legolas or someone. But I guess I'm better off then others."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, it's nothing compared to what Pippin's going through." Frodo nodded towards Pippin, who was on the verge of tears as the tent he was building feel down for the 13th time.

Boromir looked at Pippin in thought, and then shrugged "Meh. Anyway, he's got Gandalf hanging around."

He was right, as Gandalf was sitting right next to the depressed Pippin, resolved to do absolutely nothing. Pippin looked at Gandalf pleadingly.

"Pleeeeease, Gandalf?"

"No."

"But you're so tall! It wouldn't take long… all you have to do is hold this pole here, and I'll loop this rope around here…"

Gandalf rolled his eyes. "Well, Pippin, nothing in the job description said anything about helping you. All I have to do is make sure you don't chuck yourself over a cliff in despair."

"Well, you're a pretty lousy bodyguard."

"Yeah, you aren't doing to good a job your self." Gandalf said, indicating the lump of cloth, ropes and poles lying on the ground.

After leaving Frodo, Sam had moved onto Merry to hassle him about doing his jobs.

"Elrond gave us these jobs to prevent us from slacking off, and we all agreed to it. Yet you sit here, like a pathetic bum…"

Merry interrupted. "_On_ a bum."

"SAME THING! The fact is that you are abusing the easiness of your job!"

"Well, it's a pretty dumb job. There's nothing here to clean."

"You can make the job boring, or you can make it interesting and fun!" Sam pulled out a tin of polish and a cloth. "Get to work on those rocks."

Merry stared at him. "WHAT?"

"It's up to you how you do your job. With the right attitude, you can have the time of your life! Here, flick it onto track 4 and see how you go." Sam said, hading Merry a CD and walking off to harass Legolas about the lack of food.

After looking for a bout half an hour Sam found him cowering behind a rock stroking his hair looking paranoid. "Hey, Leggie, what happened to the spaghettios you promised us?"

Legolas looked up at Sam and threw himself at his feet. "SAM! You have to help me! Aragorn wants to cut my hair… he wants to make me… QUEST MATERIAL! HIDE ME! HELP ME! I WANNA LIVE!"

He then retreated back to his hidey hole and started swaying back and forth. "But you gotta have frie-e-e-ends…"

"Leggie, what if I said that I would defend you against Aragorn if you go cook us some food?"

Legolas turned sharply around to face Sam. "Sam, would you, would you please? Will you take his scissors? Will you kill the scissors? Will you? Will you? PLE-E-E-E-EASE! I would be ever so grateful!"

Sam looked at Legolas in sympathy. "Of course."

Legolas leapt up enthusiastically. "Great! Now where's dinner? I know! I'll cook my alphabet spaghetti with extra spaghetti! Now, where did I put my bag of SPC?"

Sam stared at his feet. "Well, about that, um… they, um… went on… holiday!"

Legolas looked confused. "Holiday?"

"Yes! They, err, went to… Hawaii! They told me to say goodbye… what?"

Legolas started bawling. "They went on a holiday, without me? sob How could they? I can't cook with out my spaghettios!"

"Um, can you cook anything that doesn't come out of a can?"

Legolas jumped up in excitement.

"Yes! Stone soup! I read this great story in college once, where this guy made yummy soup out of a _stone_! All I need is water and a stone…"

Sam looked at him uncertainly. "Did, you um… skip a few pages?"

"Nope, that's all I need! Now, gimme a pot!" And he walked off before Sam could stop him. Sam kept on walking, wondering whether to tell off Gimli for not tracking a bird or fish or something. He then heard some high pitched singing coming from around the corner. He looked past a rock to see Merry listening to a Discman and polishing furiously.

"Just, whistle while you work! Do, de, do, de, do, do, do! And cheerfully together we can tidy up the place!

So hum a merry tune! Do, de, do, de, do, do, do! It won't take long when there's a song to help you set the pace!"

Sam smiled in satisfaction and forgot, for a few seconds, that they would be having hot water for tea with the added risk of choking.


	3. On the Hill

Lo all! I am real sorry this chapter took so long, but I just deleted a heap of stuff on the computer so now it actually works! :-D I'm so happy! Point is, our computer sucks… I just hope I haven't lost my touch :-[

Disclaimer: I'm not really sure how many times I have to write this, so I'll just say it all now… I don't own any of the characters in the following chapters at all. All of them belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. If I ever do invent a character, I will say so at the start of the chapter. I do, however, own Boris, he is my guinea pig's cousin.

P.S. Thanx to _emerald of long cleeve _for the guinea pig idea!

P.P.S Hey, check this out…

     //

    [ ö, ]

   [,[],]             **Dance**

   [,,] [,,]

     //

 ['[ö, ]']

   [][ ]              **With**

  [,,]

    //

['[ ö,]

 [][],]               **ME!**

     [,,]

Groovy, eh? Not original, but. Wish it was!

P.P.P.S Guess what! I got my first official babysitting job tonight! Go Me!

Gandalf: Pippen's bodyguard

Frodo: Stalking

Legolas: Cooking

Aragorn: Grooming

Sam: Defence

Gimli: Tracking

Merry: Cleaning

Pippen: Shelter

Boromir: Counseling

So, we now find the company atop a hill of some sort (if you can call it a hill, big rock more like it) with Sam watching Boromir's attempt to teach the Hobbits how to defend themselves. By now, _most _of the travelers have really picked up on their jobs.

'Boromir! How do you clean your sword, it's filthy!' Merry said, disgusted as Boromir dropped his sword for the 5th time. 'You really should take better care of it. I'll lend you some polish. Oh! And you guys have GOT to listen to this great album Sam gave me! It's so uplifting, especially when this girl is singing to her true love! No idea of the artist though… I think it's Mariah Carey? Who is it Sam?' Sam looked over. 'Yeah, it's a various artist one. The Backstreet Boys are in there too, it think.' Pippen looked over at Merry. 'Think you could burn it for me? OW! BOROMIR! You got my furry foot! GANDALF!!!!!!!!'

Meanwhile, Gandalf was watching Legolas' attempt at potato cakes. 'So… I need… batter. Yes. And oil, I think… but what goes in the middle…? I've forgotten… I bet you it's something really obvious and when someone tells me I feel really stupid.' Gandalf looked up. 'Um, potatoes?' Legolas shook his head. 'Nah, that's not it… I bet it's something really obvious, though, and when someone tells me I feel really stupid.' Gandalf rolled his eyes. 'Po-ta-toes.' Legolas pondered this for a while then… 'Nah, that's not it.'

Gimli popped up from behind a rock. 'At least you have something to do. What am I supposed to track on a rock? Have you seen Aragorn? I need some advice.' Leggie folded his arms and went all snobby. 'No and I don't plan to.'

Gandalf and Gimli exchanged looks. "Why" The elf turned around impatiently. 'Because he's looking for a Guinea pig to teat his new hairstyle ideas on! And guess who's the guinea pig?'

'Um, you?'

Legolas lost it completely. 'BORIS! He wants to test hairdos on BORIS!'

'And who is Boris?'

'MY GUINEA PIG!' He said, in anger. 'AFTER THE QUEST HE'S GOING BACK TO MIRKWOOD TO GUINEAPIGNAP BORIS!' Gandalf looked up at Legolas. 'Um, I think he means guinea pig as in a willing volunteer. I.e. You.'

Silence, then…

'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!' 

Aragorn came out from behind his "study" 'Hey, Legolas check out the sketches I did for hair cuts!' He held up some sheets of paper, all with Legolas' face on it all consisting of very, very short and spikey hair cut. The last one had the elf with shoulder length green hair with pink and orange streaks.

Thud.

Aragorn's face spread into a smile. 'At last! A willing volunteer!'

'ARAGORN!' Gimli burst out from behind a bush. 'Aragorn, how do you track something on a rock? I've taken Sam's advice and tried to track birds and fish, but I can't do it. The birds here don't poop, and the fish are all dry! This job sucks!' Aragorn stood with his arms folded. 'Did Sam also tell you that with the right attitude your job can be fun? He told me that, and I had the time of my life figuring out how to make Legolas' face explode in pimples. Now you go out there and track something. And do it with attitude!' Gimli sulked off. Aragorn turned around. 'Now, where is my willing volunteer? Hey! Where's the elf?'

Meanwhile, Legolas was crawling around on the ground in a way that resembles Golum at the end of the Two Towers. Looking back all the time to make sure Aragorn wasn't following, he bumped into Boromir. 'Boromir! You gotta help me! I need a protector! Will you protect me?! NO! Where's Sam? He will help me! I know he will! WHERE IS SAM!'

Boromir surveyed Legolas from behind his half moon spectacles. 'It's time I told you what I should've told you 4 years ago. Please sit down, Legolas. I am going to tell you everything.' Leggie looked up at the man. 'What was that?' Boromir looked rather sheepish. 'I read it somewhere. Seemed like a cool line.'

'Where'd ya get the glasses?' Boromir shrugged. 'I found them.'

Thud.

Both men looked around.

'What happened to Frodo?' Boromir shrugged again. 'He's been spinning around in circles for hours. Guess he got tired.' He got up and threw a glass of grog at Frodo who got up instantly. 'Mmm, ale. Um, I don't think I'm quite awake yet, Boromir, do you got any more grog? Mmm, that's a very good year.' He got up. 'By the way… mmm! What smells good? Oh, that's it. Nothing! Leggie, where's dinner?'

Legolas looked at his feet. 'I, um, forgot the recipe for potato cakes. I could cook stone soup again… oh, I forgot.' He crossed his arms 'You don't like it!'

'Don't like it? I choked on the stone!'

'Well, sooo-rrry.'

'Now, my friends.' Said Boromir. 'Let us not fight, but resolve our problems together, quietly.' Suddenly, Sam came running up. 'What's that?' Gimli rolled his eyes. 'It's just cloud.' Merry squinted at it. 'A cloud that needs cleaning.' Suddenly Legolas screamed. 'TALKING BIRDS!!' Aragorn took up the cry. 'HIDE!!' The fellowship ran around looking for places to hide.

Merry caught up to Pippen who had constructed a shelter somewhat similar to Eeyore's  house. 'Hurry, Pippen! There's talking birds chasing us! Come on!' After the birds had gone past the company crept out of their hiding spots. Pippen stared in dismay at the pile of sticks laying on the ground. 'My shelter!!! NOOOOO!' Boromir put an arm around his friend. 'It's Ok. You can talk about your feelings. I'm here for you. It's Ok.' Pippen looked uncomfortably at Boromir. 'Gaandalf…'

'Yes?'

'A little help, please?'

'Ok. If it helps, your shelter was useless anyway, cause I've just decided to go over the mountain up there. The messengers of Sauruman will return.'

Frodo came out from under a rock. 'So?'

'What?'

'So? Why is that bad? I mean, there's only so much they can tell him. I mean, if he finds out that we're near the mountain and then finds out we're near the mountain, I mean… so what? And who is Sauruman anyway? Did you two have a fight or something?'

The company look at Frodo then Legolas hits him over the head with a frying pan.

Gandalf continues. 'So we must go over the mountain, where he will never find us. Now go pack.' Everyone scatters around trying to find their stuff. They meet up later, everyone carrying a few priced and personal possessions. Gandalf looked around at them all. 'Ok, now we must walk for about a month or so over that big mountain over there. Now, the road will be long and weary, so I suggest you take as little as possible… where's Sam?'

Everyone starts examining under rocks until Sam turns up with about 50 kilos of stuff on his back. 'Ok!' he says. 'Lets get going!' Aragorn stares at him.

'Sam, what's actually in there?'

'Err, stuff…'

Gimli pulls out a bulky book. '"A million and one ways to cook rabbit"?' He continues to grab stuff at random. "A medium, small and large pot… a wooden spoon… herbs, spices… (gasps) "Cookery the Hobbit Way"!' He looks up at Sam accusingly. 'Traitor!' Sam looks around guiltily. Legolas walks up to him.

'How could you? I trusted you! And this is how you repay me? I'm disgusted!'

Aragorn pipes in. 'Sam, I expected better of you. I am highly disappointed in you. I don't see my self carrying around a sword and dagger because I know you can't defend us, do I? And even though Boromir is a terrible counselor, I fail to see Gandalf steal his glasses and adopt his counseling ways.'

Frodo stood up. 'I am indeed shocked, Sam.'

With that, the company turned on their heels and began to walk towards the mountain, leaving Sam standing alone on the hill. He sat down and began to cry, then Gandalf turned around. 'Hurry up, you idiot. We're not going to leave you.'

So, joyfully, the Fellowship of the Ring trudged along the road to Caradras.

The End.

(of the chapter)


	4. In The Hole

Hello everyone! I'm back! I'm sorry I haven't updated in like 6 months, but I've been really, really tired… ok that was a bad excuse. But I really am sorry. It's not my fault; the dog ate my computer – yes… that should hold.

Ok, so, on with the story, eh! Please keep up the reviews they are very encouraging. Plus could someone please explain to me what a flame and Mary Sue is? My vocabulary needs updating.

Disclaimer: No, I don't (currently) own any of the characters in this story. If I do make one up, I will say so so you can all appreciate my genius.

Gandalf: Pippin's bodyguard

Legolas: Cooking

Aragorn: Grooming

Boromir: Counseling

Frodo: Stalking

Pippin: Shelter

Sam: Defense

Merry: Cleaning

Gimli: Tracking

So, after weeks of trekking around New Zealand the company finally arrives at Caradras. It is cold, wet and cold, and the company is getting restless. Especially Pippin.

'Gandaaallff… I'm cold, wet and cold! Can I have a piggyback?'

Gandalf rolled his eyes for the 200th time that day. 'Guess what Pippin…'

'Oh! A guessing game! This should take my mind of the cold! What?'

'WE ALL ARE! And guess what else?'

'…what?'

'If you had built us some shelter we wouldn't all be cold and wet and cold.'

Pippin took some offence to this and pointed out that if they had have followed Gandalf's advice instead of Boromir's, they wouldn't be in this mess at all. Sam then pointed out that Boromir was the group counselor, and they had to follow his counsel. Frodo then pointed out that Sam shouldn't be pointing out anything, as he should be at the back of the group looking out for danger. Legolas then pointed out that an avalanche was about to fall on top of them all and that they should probably all move out of the way. Aragorn then pointed out that Legolas was right, but by the time he said this it was a bit late and they were all hurtled down the mountain.

When they all arrived at the bottom, they found themselves in a small clearing covered in snow. They got up and had a look around and it wasn't long before they realized that they had fallen into a hole. After a long time, Sam spoke.

'Well, the shelter isn't going to build itself, Pippin. Get to work. Legolas, get some sort of a dinner going. Aragorn, find a way to get all of this dirt out of our hair and Merry, get all this dirt off the floor instead of just standing there.'

Everyone looked at Sam as though he had just escaped from Mussolini's training camp. Then Legolas spoke.

'Sam, did you just escape from Mussolini's training camp?' Sam, however, was less than amused.

'Now listen everyone. I am in the same situation as you are and there's nothing we can do about it, so I suggest that we all get to work and start making this place as comfortable as possible. Now,' he clapped his hands. 'Get to work!'

Everyone must've seen reason in this because they all began to rouse from their spots and start working. Sam, they concluded, was very good at making people see reason.

2 hours later, everything was starting to take shape. Pippin had some sort of an igloo going, Merry had gotten most of the dirt off the snow, Gimli had found something to track, Boromir was giving Gandalf some advice, Frodo was following his own footsteps, Aragorn, apparently, had found a way to remove dirt from even the thickest hair and was helping Legolas get the dirt out of his blonde locks, Gandalf was looking after Pippin and Legolas, supposedly, was preparing a smorgasbord for dinner that night. On the whole, Sam was please with their progress, although he hadn't actually seen any of their work on account of he was patrolling, Gimli had been reporting to him every hour, so Sam was content.

2 more hours later and Sam had had enough patrolling and decided to go and check up on the rest of the company. The first thing he noticed was Pippin hard at work.

'Hello Pippin. I see you have finished the shelter and are allowing your efforts to be put to more leisurely activities.'

'No, not really. I'm still making the shelter. How's it looking?'

Sam stared at the bits of snow in front of him.

'Pippin, that's not an igloo.'

'What is it?'

'A snowman.'

'…Shit…. Um, sorry?

Sam rolled his eyes and moved on the next victim.

'Hello Merry. Wow! You've done a great job here. Where did you put all the dirt?

Merry blushed. 'I…. um… ate it…' Suddenly a gust of wind blew off a thin layer of snow, revealing all the dirt that Merry had buried.

'…Shit… Um, sorry?

Sam rolled his eyes. 'Merry, if you're going to do a job, do it properly or not at all. And remember, there is never time to do it properly, but there is always time to do it again. Get to work.' Before Merry could say that none of that made sense, Sam had gone to check up on Aragorn, but, seeing him carrying a massive sack over his shoulders towards a hole, decided against it and moved on Frodo, who had timely fainted.

He sighed and went to find Gimli who was creeping along on all fours with his buttocks high in the air.

'Hello Gimli. How's the tracking coming along?'

Gimli turned around with a sudden, unexpected speed.

'SSSSSSSHHHHHH! You stupid hobbit! Do you want to scare it away?'

Sam looked around. 'Scare what away?'

Gimli pointed at the ground half a foot in front of him. 'Him!'

Sam took one look at the grey slug on the ground and kicked Gimli up the bum. He turned now to Boromir for comfort and found him trying, unsuccessfully, to convince Gandalf that he could fly. Sam couldn't take it anymore. He was just about to cry when he remembered something. Legolas. He was cooking a smorgasbord! Just the thing he needed! Remembering all the cooking lessons he had given Legolas on Caradras, he allowed himself to be surprised and went to prepare the dinner table.

It was dinnertime. After all the waiting, Sam may just get a reward for all the trouble he had been put through in the past few hours. He closed his eyes and tried to smell the food, but he couldn't. Oh well, he thought. So long as it tastes alright and has some sort of nutritional value to it.

'Dinner is served.'

Sam still didn't open his eyes, but instead reached forward and grabbed the nearest thing to him. Still no aroma, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything anymore. He focused all of his thoughts on the dinner in front of him and his mind filled with images. Potatoes, chicken, carrots, chocolate pudding, lobster, pork, hot chips…

He picked up his fork, still with his eyes shut, and picked up some food. He opened his mouth, placed the fork inside it, and allowed the taste to take him away.

It didn't.

In shock, Sam spat out the contents of mouth and looked down at his plate.

'Legolas, what is this?'

Legolas looked rather taken aback. 'I told you before didn't I?'

'Yes, you did, but I thought we were having a smorgasbord.'

'A _snow_gasbord, stupid, don't you listen?'

Everyone else, who was busy saying grace, opened their eyes and saw the plates of snow and Soya sauce before them, all delicately moulded into perfect shapes of potatoes, carrots, chicken, chocolate pudding, lobster, pork and hot chips.

At first everybody simply stared at the food, then thought, what the hell, and began to eat. It was too much for Sam, though. He ran off, crying. Legolas stared after him.

'What did I do? I did it all properly. I even wore the chef's cap and everything!' In distress he tore off his big white hat and threw it on the ground. 'I can never do anything right!' Now everyone's gaze was fixated at Legolas, who took this as a complement and kept going.

'He never appreciates anything I do! It's always cry, cry, cry! Boo hoo, hoo! I have it soooooo bad!' He stopped talking and when everyone still stared at him, he looked around, glared in Sam's direction, and walked off. Everyone continued to stare with their mouths open until he was out of sight, then everyone slowly turned to look at Aragorn who looked a little guilty.

'Hey, he'll never know. So long as nobody tells him, he doesn't look in the mirror of find my sack, then nobody will get hurt.'

Thud.

It was a long time before Legolas' hair grew back.


End file.
